Todays joke

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were know by their three names.
Both names compromise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

Presidential Fun Facts:

• The shortest President was James Madison at five feet two inches.

• The tallest President was Abraham Lincoln at six feet four inches.

• The youngest President elected to office was John F. Kennedy at 43 years old. However, Theodore Roosevelt was the youngest President to hold office when at the age of 42 he was sworn in after McKinley’s death.

• The oldest President was Ronald Reagan who began his first term at age 69.

• Franklin D. Roosevelt is the only President to serve more than two terms.

• William Henry Harrison served as President for the shortest amount of time – 31 days. He died of pneumonia a month after his inauguration.

• Thomas Jefferson was fluent in English, Latin, Greek, French, Spanish, and Italian. He also learned to speak several Native American dialects.

• Herbert Hoover and his wife learned Chinese so they could have private conversations.

• George Washington donated some of his own silver spoons and forks when our new country needed silver and gold to make money.

• Warren G. Harding once gambled and lost all the White House china on one hand of cards.

• Franklin Pierce was arrested for running over a woman while driving his carriage in Washington, DC. The charges were later dropped.

• Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for speeding while driving a horse and buggy in Washington, DC. He had to pay a fine of $20 and walk back to the White House.

• Dwight David Eisenhower liked playing golf so much he had a putting green built on the White House lawn.

• Gerald Ford also loved golf, but spectators had to watch carefully because the President was known for conking people on the head with his wild shots.

• James A. Garfield could write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other!

• Andrew Johnson’s family was too poor to send him to school. His wife taught him to read and write.

• Benjamin Harrison had the White House wired for electricity, but because he was afraid of getting shocked, he would not touch the switches!

• Lyndon B. Johnson used to go through the White House at night to turn off any lights that weren’t needed. He didn’t want to waste the taxpayers money!

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it
be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?   

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Q: What is the difference between Camaro and a porcupine?
A: Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take last January?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."  

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

gt45aniv wrote:

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Now that's funny!